Life Lessons: Dealing With Angry People
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What do you do when someone is angry with you and yells at you? Most people react with anger of their own or by defending themselves. Both reactions are wrong! It is true that the angry person is afraid of something, because anger is a mask for fear, but that is their lesson and not yours! Your lesson is to work out why you are having the feelings that you are having. You are reacting because of those feelings and not because of the other person’s antagonism. This person was sent into your life to teach you something and your part in the drama is to work out what you have to learn from it.
Do you get angry in return? Why? What hidden fears do you have? Do you feel sad? If so, what sadness do you have buried that you have avoided dealing with? Do you feel that you have to defend yourself? Why? Because there is a sense of insecurity within you that you haven’t dealt with.
For many people, they react because they can’t handle the concept that there is someone who doesn’t like them. There will always be someone who doesn’t like you, no matter how kind and compassionate you are. That is just a fact of life and you have to accept it and in fact what other people think of you is none of your business. You have no idea what their life is about. You may bear a physical resemblance to someone who has greatly wronged them; you can’t help that. There are many possible scenarios.
The truth is that angry people hurt and they haven’t as yet worked out how to heal that hurt. When you realise that, you may find that your own feelings will change very naturally into compassion.
When someone is angry or nasty don’t lower yourself to their level by reacting in kind. Take a moment to think before reacting. Your soul has attracted this person into your life to force you to examine your feelings. If you don’t deal with it now, it will happen again and quite possibly in a more dramatic way. Even though it may cause you some discomfit, dealing with it now is much easier than you probably think and will prevent future occurrences.
Of course if you have done anything wrong that can possibly justify the other person’s behaviour, then apologise first but don’t feel you have to justify your wrong deed; a genuine heartfelt apology is all the you need to give, e.g. “I’m sorry! I was wrong to do/say that.” In some cases this is enough to calm the other person down. But if not, then it becomes their problem and not yours.
Once you can face an angry person without reacting then that is good. Then you can help them to see why they are angry. You could ask them, “What are you afraid of?” Of course they may not be ready to accept help just yet but even so you might be planting a seed that they will remember later on.
There are times when a person becomes physically violent, in which case it is wise to retreat, at least until they calm down. But even this you would have attracted for some reason and so you must still deal with your own feelings even if there is nothing you can do to help them at this stage.
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May 12, 2009 am31 10:18 am
So you are saying that anger is never justified?
Yet it is a natural process of awakening, so to suggest that one cannot do it is to discourage beings from awakening.
Even Jesus became angry at times.
Utterly untrue and unhelpful and even damaging drivel.
May 12, 2009 am31 12:27 pm
You can’t please all the people all the time…that’s for sure.
May 12, 2009 am31 8:59 pm
there are so many angry people out there, it is hard to turn a corner without some one’s rage hitting you in the face! if this person is not some one i love it does not bother me at all. i feel very sorry for them. if it is someone i love, it hurts me deeply. especially when someone brings up things that happened 20 years ago. nothing can be gained from bringing up the past, except to learn from your mistakes, and not make those mistakes again. try to undo these mistakes with love. if this person still hates you… well, maybe it is best to stay away from them…even if it means you can not see others that you love because of this person. life is just too short, and times are too hard to be thinking about the past. come to think of it…i feel very sorry for anyone who dwells on the bad things, and does not have any rememberance or respect for all the good things done for them. in short, if somebody does not care enough about you to show you love and respect…go on your happy way! leave them behind. that’s one less angry person to deal with in this dog eat dog world of today. if they can’t get over it, YOU still can! and i have.
May 12, 2009 am31 9:20 pm
aragorn,
yes, anger is justified sometimes. but your statement on awakening is wrong. when you awaken, you have more sense than you used to have. you are supposed to get angry about all the lies and terrible things going on in the world today, then you are to do something constructive to help change these things. that is what awakening is all about. anger, (while it is great for venting) is not the answer. hurting people and their feelings is not the way.
while it is true Jesus was angry many times, and put people in their place about lies, money, hypocracy,etc. He sought out ways to change these things. He ultimately took on all the hate and anger in this world with His very life. i’m not saying we should all attempt this…but try to have some love and compassion in your heart…you will find it goes a long way in changing not only your attitude, but those around you. that is true awakening
May 13, 2009 am31 5:53 pm
Nice article. It reminds me the Carl Jung concept of the shadow and that we are mirrors of others. google it. I’ts very interesting.
May 14, 2009 am31 7:32 am
point blank
others are mirrors of us. not vice versa. reverse your piont.
May 20, 2009 am31 7:16 pm
If you are confronted by an angry person, just recognize that the person is being controlled by the ego. Instead of responding with anger, respond with love.
In you mind, say â??I love you!â?? Repeat this statement over and over again. Eventually you will see a shift in the personâ??s demeanor.
http://www.reginaldcuffee.com
August 27, 2009 am31 3:51 am
This article is so comforting..
My boyfriend so often gets angry because of very small things which always makes me very very sad… The worst thing is that he ignores me for a while when he is angry and this makes me feel even worse…I always try to be nice and understanding and hope he will get rid of his anger, but it never works. It would be so much easier if I could just ignore him as well, but the truth is that I always feel very miserable and want to sort out everything with him sraight away…
February 6, 2010 am31 12:10 am
I have only just discovered these comments as I was not able to even find my articles for a long time so I did not login for ages. So here is my belated reply.
Awakening is understanding that there is no good or bad, right or wrong, up or down, left or right – the duality of human life. Everything just is – two sides of the same coin – the yin and yang of things. I didn’t mean that you should never “feel” angry. Suppressing your feelings does you no good either and could ultimately cause an illness. You should allow yourself to “feel” your feelings, just don’t blindly direct the anger, fear, resentment etc at another person. The person or condition who you think is making you feel that way has only come into your life to make you aware of a part of yourself that needs healing. You don’t have to condone what another person is doing but you do need to recognise that this person is not getting angry with “you”, they are really angry with themselves (and afraid). So part of the lesson is not to take it personally!
Every single person who crosses our pathway is for the purpose of learning life’s lessons. Sometimes this is just one way learning (and when the lesson is learnt that person will go out of your life), other times it is a two way street of ongoing learning. We tend to be rather stubborn creatures (at least our egos are) and we seem to need countless exposures to the same lesson before we even start to understand what it means. If you repeatedly encounter people who cause the same reactions in yourself then you really need to work out why and heal that part of yourself. Until you work out what the lesson is go and punch a boxing workout bag or go out into the bush and yell and scream or cry, just try not to inflict it on other people.
Tina,
You hit the nail on the head when you said “What is even worse, he ignores me.” That is your lesson. I can relate to that very well and felt like that myself for a great deal of my life. In fact I was married to a man who pretty much ignored me for 15 years but I had no concept of learning life lessons back then and so the same scenario went on and on and on. On some level you feel you are unworthy but that is not true. You are a perfect child of God and don’t ever forget that. Nobody is better than you or less than you. Yes I know it is hard to get past that form of thinking but keep working at it and associate as much as possible with positive people who do appreciate you. The thing is that recognising that you have some faulty thinking is more than half the healing process. Tell yourself many times each day, “I am a wonderful person who deserves to be loved and respected.” If you feel like crying then do so; it is part of the healing process. At the moment your boyfriend is not respecting you because you aren’t respecting yourself. When you improve your opinion of yourself, he will too or if he can’t just yet, he will leave and someone better will come into your life who does appreciate you. Once we learn a lesson, we don’t encounter that same type of problem again (unless we regress of course so we have to continue to work at it). Don’t resist your feelings; just feel them, accept them, love them and know that they only exist for the purpose of your spiritual growth.